Introduction:
I didn’t know where it began. All I know was that I was on the plane to the basic training facility in Phoenix, Arizona. I don’t know how it happened. Mom told me I would end up in the military. Dad said I was a wimp and needed the discipline. Either way, I was suprized by my train of thoughts.
My own thoughts were the basic 18 year old’s: a car, money, a good job, a girl, and a family. I guess I got distracted somewhere along the line. The military just sort of, I don’t know, rushed into my thoughts. I’m sure it was impulse, or because I wanted to impress my brother.
I looked out the window. The clouds blocked me from seeing anything of any importance. I was uncomforatble sitting next to the twelve year old next to me. He hadn’t said a word and was looking around as if in a trance. He was sipping a coke and I wondering if it was a caffine reaction.
“Hi, I am Mike” the boy said.
“Hello Mike” I replied, with certainty that he was nervous about the flight.
This must have been his first plane ride, because he asked me a few questions someone who rode on a plane before should know.
He tried to make some small talk, but failed to pull me into his seemingly endless energy pool. I kept quiet and tried to watch the inflight movie. It was Infamous, which, while not a great movie, was better than making small talk with a twelve year old.
I must have dozed off, because I was in Pheonix and Infamous was at the credits.
I got of the plane and I grabbed my carry-on. I could only imagine the look on my brother’s face. He had something about him that could make me smile without him even being there. I hailed a taxi and was on my way to the Redemption hotel, when I realized that Pheonix was hot as h***. It wasn’t like the normal, cool and crisp Massachusetts air I was used to.
When we arived at the hotel, the manager said Captain Sanders had left me a schedule of where to go when to get on the bus to basic training. I had one week. I figured I should do some sightseeing while I had the chance. The first thing I wanted, was something to eat.
With the aid of my room’s computer, I managed to find a resturant called “West Oak Italian” and I called a delivery of some Speghetti and Meatballs supream with a Coke and some cinna ice bread sticks.
It was the last positive moment of my life, for the phone call I got right after my delicious meal was one that changed my life… For Ever.
Chapter One: The Nickname.
I was on the bus. I didn’t know it would come so soon. A week felt like a few hours. And I was, of course, sunburned.
I didn’t complain though. I easily could have been whiny about it, but that wasn’t the first impression I wanted to leave. They took all of my electronic devices, as well as everyone else’s to make sure we focused our entire basic training. We were almost silent. Some other recruits were chattering away, but I was more silent that a single mouse in a empty house at night.
“Hey, man! I am talking to you! You got your head in the clouds?” said one of the other recruits to me.
“Sorry. I, uh, spaced out there for a second.” I said.
“What’s your name? I’m Donald.”
I shrugged. “Private Inter” **I-ne-ter** ( Ine as in “spine” )
“Private Inter, huh?” he started, “I’m gonna call you “Cloud”, okay?”
“Why?” I asked kind of weirded out by the nature of the nickname.
“Because you always have high your head in the clouds. You even spaced when you were talking to my brother Matthew.” He told me.
“He is your brother? He sure is… energetic.” I remarked.
“Yeah, that’s Matthew. Can’t stand the kid sometimes. Can’t believe mom made me bring him with me to take him to his aunt’s. He loves aunt Dana. He’s her favorite out of my siblings, and she makes sure EVERYONE knows it.” He commented.
“You have other siblings?” I asked.
“Yeah. Two Brothers, one older, and Matthew, and 1 sister, Gina, and she’s 10. How about you Cloud, any bros or sisters?”
“No.” I said coldly.
“What’s with the ice tone Cloud?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s nothing.” I made a convicing face, and he bought it.
Pretty soon, we were there, and Donald and I were like best friends. Donald sure does work fast with spreading nicknames, because as soon as the drive was over, everybody on the bus besides the driver was calling me Cloud.
I was starting to like that Nickname. I had a feeling it would stick for good.
Chapter Two: Donald’s Nickname
“I am your drill instructor, Lieutenant Summers. You sorry, worthless, maggots will be MEN when I get through with you.” Summers said.
“Sir, Yes Sir” we replied in unison.
He looked us over, and stopped and commented on each individual.
“You have bad posture.”
“Your breath smells your my ar**”
“What is your name private?” He bellowed in my face.
“Private Cloud Inter, Sir” I replied.
“Where ya from, Cloudy?” He Bellowed, spitting in my face.
“Boston, Massachuse
“Boston, Massachusetts, Sir!” I remarked with actual enthusiasm.
“Only two things in boston, Steers and Queers. I don’t see any horns. What does that make you?”
“Queer, sir!” I replied, still with enthusiasm, but this time i was faking it.
“Damn straight.” He said, and he knew I was expecting it.
i will update as i write and write as i update. here’s the link to the story as it updates. http://forum.runescape.com/c=PEjTJmY65mk/forums.ws?23,24,100,58767417
the marks??
yes i know there was a typo.
it’s michael, not matthew when donald is talking about his brother… sorry
100% fictional, so i don’t really know if there is a basic training camp in Phoenix or not. I just wanted to contrast massachusetts with something different. no i am not from massachusetts. just a popular setting.
to the person who said “drill sarge going along with some cutesy nickname”
Are you stupid. Clearly you don’t realize i have never revealed the character’s first name, and secondly, maybe the drill sarge doesnt know it’s a nickname. this is an idea i have had for a long time.
also, i pulled this from RUNESCAPE, where i had to star it out. sorry i missed some, okay? jesus. and i put that there for the people who will mispronounce it. like you said, it isnt my final copy
Jerusalem Travelhttp://www.JerusalemAttractions.com
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More than 95% ,I will give you to the marks.
Boring as hell. Is there something exciting about this story or is it just about the narrator droning on about every little pointless thing he sees? And cut out the Full Metal Jacket-wannabe dialogue. Its cliche. And really, is this story going some where?
I didn’t there was a basic training in Phoenix.
Hey that’s weird some of the details in your book is the same as twilight. Phoenix, Arizona. And the Mike guy. Any way I think it sounds nice and well written. :]
pretty good
Must the Twilight fans incorporate everything with it.
Now on to the story, The full metal Jacket line needs to go. As Mass. is not a land of steers, see it makes sense in the movie cause the private is from Texas. How did the brother know that he was talking to his little brother on the plane? you need to resolve that. It seems like you should expand on the part between the flight and basic training. I don’t know a single Marine or Army man that would leave his family a week early to go and sit around in a hotel where he knows no one, do you? so there is some plot issues. However, I think that the writing is solid, but could use some originality.
i wouldn’t read all this is boring no offends too long
Well I enjoyed that story and would really like to read more!!!!!
2.
You haven’t bothered to do your basic research, and when’s the last time you saw a little note in the middle of a story explaining how a name was pronounced?
You want your character to swear? Have him swear, or find a way to avoid needing the word. No cutesy little **.
“i will update as i write and write as i update.”
Don’t bother. First drafts are never worth reading and this is no exception. If you want people to spend time on your story, you need to spend a LOT more time working on it. Start with whether that training camp exists. Post it when you’ve actually proofread, edited and corrected all the mistakes, not before.
You may also want to look into what a “Mary Sue” is. Your character’s cutting it pretty fine already. I really can’t see a drill sergeant going along with some cutesy nickname.
I’m a bit of a spelling/grammar nazi so I will comment on that first. Actually, first I need to tell you that your paragraphs are choppy and I’m a bit confused about where you start and end them. It doesn’t help the flow of the story. Also, you’re using a lot of simple sentences. This is completely acceptable sometimes, but it would really enrich the narration if you throw in a couple complex sentences. As is, this is a pretty elementary story.
Moving on.
“surprize” should be “surprise”
“I was uncomforatble sitting next to the twelve year old next to me” – This is a bit redundant so you should take out one of the next’s.
“caffine” should be “caffeine”
“I must have dozed off, because I was in Pheonix and Infamous was at the credits.” — typo here. You misspelled Phoenix.
“when I realized that Pheonix was hot as h***. ” —- You misspelled it again
“When we arived at the hotel, the manager said Captain Sanders had left me a schedule of where to go when to get on the bus to basic training.” — This sentence is really awkward. Consider revising.
“The first thing I wanted, was something to eat.” Comma splice, consider revising.
“Speghetti and Meatballs supream with a Coke and some cinna ice bread sticks.” — Ok, it’s “spaghetti”, “supreme”, and you need to be consistent with your capitalization. Also, I think this might be more detail than necessary.
“It was the last positive moment of my life, for the phone call I got right after my delicious meal was one that changed my life… For Ever.” —This is redundant again. And a bit lame and cliched. And it should be “forever”.
“but I was more silent that a single mouse in a empty house at night.”— “that” should be “than” and I’m not entirely sure this metaphor makes sense.
“Because you always have high your head in the clouds.”— rearrange those words
“What’s with the ice tone Cloud?” he asked” — You really need to work on your use of commas.
“Pretty soon, we were there, and Donald and I were like best friends.”— Again with the improper use of commas.
“Your breath smells your my ar**” —This doesn’t make sense. Also, you might consider describing the people he’s talking about during these bits. Or at least their reactions. It’s a little weird to just jump around with his dialogue.
Anddd… lastly you should really ditch the whole last part. Not only does it not make sense, but it is entirely cliched and overplayed. So considering everything I’ve mentioned and add to it the plot holes I kept tripping over, I give this story a 2/5 at best.
*As a side note:
“Are you stupid.” — If this is how you take criticism, whether constructive or not, I don’t think you should post your story to the public. It’s a bit rude to say that to someone.
EDIT: In reference to the message you sent me, I just wanted to let you know that I gave you my opinion on the story “so far”, which is what you asked for. Your question wasn’t “What will this story be like when I fix all of the errors?”
Also, I couldn’t help but notice that anyone who offered criticism of the story received thumbs-down and everyone who said it was really good received thumbs-up. Now, obviously you can’t control all of them, but if you’re the one who is giving thumbs-up to the pats on the back, then I’m sorry. Next time I read one of your stories, I’ll tell you how it’s a best seller and you should get a publishing deal right away. I didn’t realize all you wanted was for someone to stroke your ego.
If you’re not the one responsible for most of the thumbs, then I apologize. You see, I’m pretty sleep deprived right now which leads to incredible boredom and I have nothing better to do than comment on your story. And congratulations for the compliments.
Good stuff man
its good man keep it up hopfully u will have a book
I refuse to read something so long
WOW thats a really good like really [= i think u’ll do like really well if its an esay probs a 94% if u asked me
no sex
fail
its ok, but kinda broing
soz didnt read it all but liked the bits i DID read
really cute how ur posting on other ppls questions asking them to answer yours, sorry but that made me laugh
i liked the part where the smurfs kill spongebob………
I like it!
I would definitely buy it!
It’s really good!
LOOOOVE IT!!! if u get it published i will DEFINITELY 100% READ IT!!!! please write more
its pretty good
WOW. Once you finish it, send it to a publisher (or 5), ok? No, really, I love it. Amazing. You still need to clear up a couple things. But other than it was amazing! *****
It’s interesting.
If you want a good critique I suggest you post it on fictionpress or fanfiction.
Too much FMJ not enough IMAGINATION
i no this isn’t the final copy, but at the start 12 year olds don’t say “I am Mike” like darth vadar says “I am your father”. Its too, formal, or unnatural for a 12 year old. They would say “I’m Mike”. As for the story, it has good detail, but it needs details that maybe Anthony Horowitz uses. Like gun names, helicopter names, plane names, that sort of thing, either now or later in the story. Also describe the other solider, you know, Sargent, lieutenant, private? Mustache? Tall? Short-tempered?
If you want more ideas or tips email me @t
And guys, stop slagging him off. He’s just trying to work, and do well in life. You wouldn’t be laughing if it became a best seller, would you?
Beautiful mind, love your creative thinking, but you really should work on keeping your audience.
Sorry, I’m not such a good critic about writing, but I did read the whole thing. Post this up when you have fine tuned it.